3/20 Cont'd (After LOST)

Well, that was a good, fast moving episode. We're getting lots of info, but new questions are still being raised. I just don't know who to believe, Ben or Widmore. I don't like Ben, so I don't want to believe him; he never tells the whole truth and he's mean. But, why would Widmore want to kill everyone on the island?

I got the floor mopped after LOST.

Anyway, Dion and I went on a date. We had sushi at The Happy Sumo in The Gateway, then we went to a church building near the capitol to see his former young men's leader (from LA) perform with his band for his brother's (the YM leader's brother's) b-day. They were quite good! They played mostly 50s and 60s music. That's where we think we left the camera because we haven't seen it since.

I've been fairly faithful about doing yoga and stretching every day. My back is doing fine. Still not perfect but definitely about 90% normal.

I had a stretch of a few days where I actually started to wonder if something was psychologically wrong with me. I felt so down, and then I felt guilty that I was down because I have SO many blessings and a wonderful life. I was constantly mad at the kids and did lots of yelling, then I was disgusted with myself for being a horrible mother, which only made me feel worse and the kids act worse. (For example, we had to go to a middle school auditorium to get Corey's soccer pictures taken. Jenna and Randy were running around, as were many other extra children, which was fine, but they kept going OUT of the auditorium, even after I told them not to because I couldn't see them. So, what do you do? I tried holding Randy and telling him he couldn't get down, but the whole time he's arching his back, kicking, struggling. So, when I got worn down and tired of the flailing I told him, again, that he needed to stay IN the auditorium - the first thing he does is go out. I can't spank him in front of everyone or send him to his room. What is the "natural consequence" for that behavior? Then, after maneuvering our way through several distractions and herding everyone into the car I had to wrestle Randy into his car seat where he bonked me in the nose with his head. So, I pinned him into his carseat with my head while using my hands to buckle him. As we were driving away he unbuckled. So, of course, I lose it, park the car and in my frenzy of trying to turn around from the driver's seat, re-buckle him, spank his hand and tell him "No, you may NOT unbuckle!" I end up slapping my own hand, the car seat, everything but HIS hand.) Why are they always against me? I feel like I spend my days trying to convince and coerce people to do things they don't want to do. It's exhausting. Yesterday my Mom listened while I had a good crying session on the phone and since then I've felt better. I like to write stuff like this down because I think as your kids grow up you forget all the crap that you go through.

I finished reading "Last Child in the Woods: Saving Our Children from Nature Deficit Disorder" by Richard Louv. I had to turn it in 4 days overdue because I couldn't renew it since someone else had it on hold. I enjoyed it. I've always had this desire to go back in time to try living when things seemed simpler. (Not necessarily easier.) There is so much GOOD about the time we live in now - women's rights, medical care - those are the two main ones that come to mind. How do you preserve the good from times past and mix it with the good things in society we have now and cut out as much of the unnecessary modern fluff and junk as possible? This book addressed that dilemma a bit - how to live in the current world, but treat it and use it in a way that's respectful to nature. The author also mentioned several studies that show how unstructured time in the wild outdoors can help with ADHD symptoms.

Dion signed us up for Lifetime Fitness. It sounds pretty fancy. I haven't been yet. Dion's been 3 or 4 days in a row! A guy from his work and his cousin and their families both have memberships there. The kids are excited to go because they have an indoor pool and, apparently, a cool child care facility. I, myself, am not so gung-ho about it. I've exercised for years from home and I don't see how I can squeeze another 3o minutes of travel time (15 there, 15 home) into my day unless I went at 5 am and I do NOT want to sacrifice any more sleep since I already go to bed around midnight. So, we'll see. Dion is taking the day off of work tomorrow because Jenna is on spring break and we're going to try to go get a tour and all that. We also might go see the new "Horton Hears A Who."

Dion says I need more friends. I've always said I don't care to have many friends because I like to be in my own world and not have to plan what I want to do around anyone. Even in high school I would go out with friends sometimes but I was just as happy to hang out at home or go to dinner with my family. But, today I had a little epiphany. I wonder if one of the reasons I don't want close friends is because I am constantly comparing myself and everyone I know seems better than me. So, I feel bad about myself when I'm around other people. I don't stand out in any area - I'm not a natural mother, I don't craft at all, I don't do lots of service or volunteer work, I'm not that great of a cook, I'm not super athletic, I'm not really witty or stylish or musical or organized, etc. I know this must be a skewed way of looking at myself. I mean, I'm basically a nice, good person. And, for the most part I like the way I am. I suppose I could just choose some talent or trait I want to develop and really work hard on it, but I guess I'm kind of lazy or too distracted with just trying to function normally because it doesn't seem worth it. So, how does one stop subconciously comparing to other people? Why can't I be amazed (which I am) with the great things others do and still feel good about myself? Some women seem so confident and comfortable - where does that come from? Remember, this blog is like my journal and I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm just keepin' it real, asking some philosophical questions. . .

It's past my bedtime. I want try to post shorter, more frequent blog entries instead of saving it all up for a monster post. Ah, bed! Here I come!